Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm pretty sure this is not how you're supposed to start a blog but that's how I feel. I don't even have a word to express the frustration I feel right now but I know in order for me to push through, I am going to have to release. So, I decided to purge on this blog hence the title "Po Little Tink Tink". Yes, you have been officially invited to my rant party. Welcome!
I'm telling you this is what happens when you're an artist trapped at a 9-5 job. It SUCKS but you gotta eat, right? I mean unless you plan on being a starving artist "literally" and I don't know about you but I'm not missing any meals. Not that I can't afford to but that's another story for another day. Smile! Anyway, it seems that I go through these moments when my calling starts to pull on me and nothing seems right. I find myself feeling super irritable and ready to quit my job over the smallest things. My pencil broke, I'm quiting! The printer down? Awww naw, I'm out of here! One minor mishap and it's a conspiracy to get me out of here so peace! I'm on the verge of walking out the door at this very moment because I would rather be somewhere writing or visualizing being in the studio with some national recording artist singing my song. I'm just saying, I spent most of this morning preparing my acceptance speech for my first Grammy award. "Giving honor to God..." You feel me? I be on one. LOL! I guess this is why I'll never understand people who run from their gifts and callings. I mean I do but I don't. I understand not wanting the responsibility of it and trying to hide or even being afraid of them but running from them is almost impossible. Like, how far can you run? Really! I can even understand wanting to have someone else's gift but running from it, you'll be tired. There is an innate force that will pull and pull and pull until you give in to it. And, I've learned that until you answer the call or surrender to it, you'll be miserable. It will feel as though there is an emptiness that you can't even begin to describe or a feeling of failure that consumes you because it seems as though nothing you put your hand to ever prospers. You'll feel like everything around you is falling apart. Kinda how I feel right now. Yup, the building is collapsing on my head at this very moment. Not really but it is, really! No, it's not but I wish it would so I can be put out of my misery...Do you know how hard it is to work a job you're good at and love but still feel like somethings missing because there's something else you love more? I'm in a love triangle ya'll. What's I gone do????? I be trying to chill and just be artsy at 3 pm. That's what time I get off and that is when art begins. At least that's what I tell myself during my self talk sessions but it never works because I AM AN ARTIST, 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days out the year. Even when I call myself trying to do something else because every now and then I have severe moments of insanity in which I pretend like I'm not an artist because I be tired. Tired of writer's block, tired of fans, tired of pens and paper, tired of poetry, tired of me and my whackness, tired of the scene, tired of people, just plain ol' tired! But eventually, when I get over myself, I have to accept who I am. Man down!!! SMH...
It is during these moments that I am reminded of the Disney movie Tinker Bell in which she spent the entire movie trying to operate in everyone else's gift messing up everything (throwing seasons off and whatnot, lol) because she didn't see the value in her own. Meanwhile, she was just a tinkering away because it was in her to do. Tinkering came natural. She didn't have to work at it or think about it. Why, because her gift was specifically designed for her despite the fact there were hundreds of tinker fairies and no matter how hard she tried to forget that she was a tinker, she always found herself tinkering with some lost thing. Crazy thing is in the beginning of the movie, when it was time for her gift to be revealed she asked "How will I know which one is my gift?" and the guardian fairy told her "Don't worry. You'll know because your gift will choose you." I was like hunh, she might be on to something? I mean, I know I didn't ask to be an artist or a writer or anything related. I didn't choose to be genius and insane. I'd rather have just been one or the other. Then I wouldn't be sitting here giving this keyboard hell as I type this post. Then I wouldn't feel like pulling out all my hair because I'm ready to go be artistic. I'm like a wild animal locked away. I now know why the caged bird saaaaaaangs. Lord, do I know! Nonetheless, I'm here and although, I do use my gifts such as ministry of helps and poetry, etc., I feel as though my artistic gifts are starting to pull on me more. It almost feels like they are trying to get me to do something crazy like REALLY quit my job and do what I love full time. Ooooooooooh Lord! I don't know about that just yet because the struggle is real but what I do know is that when it is your time to do something great, greatness will begin to call you.
Will you answer?
Even if it's just allowing yourself to become lost in your thoughts or being courageous enough to take that small leap of faith to see if your dreams can really come true. I mean, what do you have to loose other than your job, right? LOL!