Over It!!!!

Yea, I will allow myself to be human today. True, I am a black woman and there's no secret that I have alot to be angry about. However, I will NOT be defined by my anger because underneath it all are so many other things I feel. So, today I will sit with my disappointment. If I can be honest, I want to be angry right now especially after the events of the morning but I can't. Like, I can't get myself to be angry because I feel something else, I just don't know what it is exactly. And, that sucks. You know, feeling some kind of way and not really knowing how to put it in words but I guess that lead's me right on into my decision to share this piece from my book "Feeln Sum Type of Way". How ironic? Nonetheless, it's National Poetry Month so rather than continue to try and unpack all these emotions I am sitting with today, I'll just leave you with this poem...

 

ANGRY BLACK WOMAN 

The hell you mean? 

With the rolling of the neck 

and the smacking of the lips 

Every time I hear the legend of the “ANGRY BLACK WOMAN” 

As if 

Angry 
And Black 
And Woman 

Are tailor-made collocations 

Matter of fact adjectives 

to paint the picture of a female 
in color

Tell me, when did the melanin in my skin become the backdrop for my temperament? 

When will our Black men boycott these hand me down ideologies they've bought into? 

And ask 
Or listen 
Or seek to understand? 

Because then they'd know I'm not ANGRY 

Not at all...... 

I'M OFFENDED that somehow you believe that because I don't know what it is to be a black man that 
I'm exempt. 
That somehow my vagina allows me a privilege that excludes me from oppression when it is my vagina 
that makes me a slave to my own emotions. 

Tell me, have you ever been pissed on and told that it was raining?

Well, that's exactly how I feel when I'm told I'm crazy and deranged for having too many feelings

Or having the courage to love again after my love's been thrown back on my face


I'M TIRED.......Tired of being told I'm too strong as if being weak is a more desirable attribute. Truth 
be told, had I folded you'd have nothing to stand on. I carried you on the back of my prayers. Raised 
our sons and daughters. Fought through tears. While you took hour long lunch breaks to cemetaries and prisons.

And no, I may not have done the best job but I stood 
firmly in the gap until you could regain your rightful position. 

Annnnnnnnnnnd not one thank you (So, hell yea I feel some type of way) 

I'M RESENTFUL because I'll never be good enough. 
I'm too fat or too skinny 
too loud or too quiet 
too afrocentric or too european 
too lazy or too driven 
too needy or too independent 
I'm too that or too this 
No matter how I try to appease you 
When you look at me 
You look past my beauty 
For something more EXOTIC 
Then wonder why at times I'm insecure and self-conscious 

I'M EXASPERATED for having to explain myself and then apologize for who I am. 
I don't have the freedom of expressing my dissatisfaction without “having an attitude” 
I can't challenge you as a man without “wanting to wear your pants” 
I shouldn't embrace my sexuality less I be considered “loose” 
I mustn't speak my mind. After all “A woman should be seen and not heard.” 
Be submissive 
No, be less than human 
Be unresponsive 
Be accommodating 

Chile.......You want me to be a well dressed floor mat 
Better yet 
Just lie down and die in silence 
And I bets not complain or else be “blamed” 
After all, it is my fault that our men are cowards 
Apparently, I gave them too many hugs 
What was I thinking, to love them 
When we all know too much compassion makes them soft 
Had nothing to do with your absence, hunh? 
I'm also responsible for the sins of our daughters 
Only problem 
I missed the part that I was to stand guard in front of the pearly gates 24/7 to ensure she kept her legs 
closed 
And If I didn't teach her how to cook...clean...or keep house 
I somehow failed her as a mother 

When the truth is 

It was all a cry for you 
Her father 

But I deserve to be dogged out 
To have my heart broken 
I knew he was no good so I'm told “I asked for it” 
So no, I can't be a victim 
And no, aint nobody really trynna hear my story 
No, I aint got no time to cry 
I'm supposed to "Woman Up" 
Because somewhere in your crazy twisted mind 
I alone 
Am the product of my own decision-making 

Speaking of...... 

I'M VEXED about that 
Having to choose 
And damn me 
If I don't make the right decision according to you 
Like 
You ever had to weigh between having a career or having children 
Pursuing your dreams or falling in love 
Rest or the demands that constantly pursue you 
Why can't I have it all? 
If I'm bitter 

That's why 

My choices are few 
Let me get this straight 
Be average or be alone 
Monitor my work hours or carry the shame of being a bad parent 
Put a cap on my salary or forget about ever being married 
Be proactive in family planning and risk being barren 
Be weak or be abandoned 
Be all things 

Just don't be a woman 

Be anything BUT a woman 

Tell me 
How do you escape being MAD when you're denied the right to be who you were created to be 
“WOMAN” 
Without being both black and angry?

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